If you have made it past the eighth grade, (side note for Republicans keep at it bud, someone in your family is destined to do it, might even be you) coffee isn’t a luxury. It is that elixir of life that keeps you from ending up in jail before 8 in the morning. Breathing is important and you wouldn’t suck exhaust fumes out of a 74 Chevy pick up tail pipe why drink bad coffee? The Dubious Fool is here to keep you clear on how to make it right.

Coffee Perfection—ish

• Buy the AeroPress, its cheap, portable and makes a great cup of black, life giving joy.  http://www.aeropress.ca/product/aeropress/
• Get the metal filter while you are at. Medium mesh works well. Check out ‘Home Revolution stainless coffee filter’ on Amazon.ca. 1/2 the price of the one at Aeropress. Works well.
• If you want to go full coffee geek pick up the Java Jug 2 and the hand grinder from AeroPress too. The press fits nicely into the jug for happy traveling. I throw mine in my saddle bag
• Get a low rpm burr grinder. Call me a sissy if you like but a burr grinder is boss. Be prepared to drop a good ‘C’ note on this. Those slap job grinders just turn the beans to dust and make for a bitter cup of coffee. You already have a bitter Ex crawling up your ass why bring more of that into your life? I like the Breville.

The Brew That is True

• If what you need is just a decent cup a coffee and not a hand job from some man bun sporting, overly sincere, hipster who is just doing this until his slam poetry career takes off what I tell you will work.
• Water, from the tap. Don’t over think it. If you are from some place where ‘running water’ doesn’t mean being chased by animals you haven’t tasted ‘real’ water anyway. All the donkey piss and despair has been safely removed for you.  And go here to help those who don’t. Fresh water isn’t a luxury either.
• Boil the water. Seems simple enough, about 400-500 ml per cup. If you are one of those ‘I just need a small cup’ self righteous health weirdos just move along! MOVE ALONG! This advice is for people who need a fucking cup of coffee, not a life lesson from Misses Wiggins.
• If you can’t boil the water DON’T PANIC! AeroPress says that water about 170 Fahrenheit will do. Which is exactly the temperature hot water spigots on Bunn machines provide. Yes, I’ve measured.

Stay Grounded

• Get the press ready. Now don’t go getting creative. There is a whole ‘flip upside down, drop a couple of hail Mary’s’ debate that rages over how to use the press. Just put the metal filter in the removable filter holder, and place the press on top of your coffee mug. For the Physics challenged out there don’t use a paper cup. You are going to be putting some significant downward force on the press. So unless you want your tender bits covered in scalding hot water, and hey if you do, I don’t judge, but for the rest of us who are still hoping to use them for something a bit more dubious use a proper coffee mug.
• Grind the beans. Coarse to medium fine grind will work. After that its gets a bit more difficult to press down and it increases the acidity of the coffee. Don’t for the love of god pre-grind the beans the night before; JUST before getting ready to use them. We’re making coffee here not Folger’s flavoured effluent.
• Pour, stir, press. At this point save the magic for the bedroom. Pour the ground beans into the AeroPress using the supplied funnel, pour the hot water over the grounds and stir with the supplied canoe paddle. You’re not trying to start a lawnmower just a couple of runs around the rim will suffice. Put the plunger in the press and press down over about 30 seconds. Once you hear the hiss, you’re done. If you are bored and need the kids from the A.V. class to confirm why they got put in lockers go watch YouTube videos on the proper brewing techniques. I shit you not.

Just Between Us

• Trade Secrets. Fresh beans. Every city of any size has a coffee crack dealer, go there, buy the beans. Kicking Horse beans are good too and can be found at most grocery stores. Use 2 paper filters on top of the metal filter, wet them after you put them on top of the metal filter, cuts down on the bitterness. 170 F will work, 190 F is better. Add a touch of vanilla. Yes the real stuff you tight wad. And for the gentlemen in the room, get up and make the damn coffee. She or he, just listened to you snore and fart all night long, and that after making your naughty parts tingle. It’s the least you can do.